It's been a little while.... hope you all had a lovely Christmas!! Can't believe it's nearly a new year already!! I'm going out with friends for the first time in a long time which will be good. A bit of alcohol will be consumed too ;) even tho ED hates it, I'm still doing it!
I had a bit of a scare on Boxing Day, I fainted for the first time ever.. it was a bit of a wake up call. I was doing/taking many things which I know I shouldn't have.. I was cutting up fruit with a huge knife and the next thing I knew I was on the floor. It definitely scared my Mum and she was quite angry when I confessed what I was doing... after so many hospital admissions I should know what to do and just freaking do it!!! It's so frustrating that it just isn't that easy.

Apart from that there isn't much to say... just getting through each day take all of my energy at the moment. I wish I could say there was something more exciting... just trying to figure out uni and what I want to do with my degree- can't believe I'm second year already!

Hey!!

My laptop is currently down so I won't be able to post as much. I was borrowing my brothers while I was in hospital.. but guess what??!! I'm not there! I came home yesterday. It was kind of fast, I only decided Wednesday night I couldn't stand it any longer.

I had a really hard night last night, with binge/purging, which is weird because it's not a behaviour I've used for a long time. But today I've gotten up, completed my mealplan so far even though I feel like I don't need it because I've barely done a thing! But I have been "prescribed" it by my dietitian in IP and it will get looked at when I get to see my amazing outpatient dietitian who I will see weekly to start off with and she'll monitor my weight. So I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Also I had a big meeting with my team and my Mum yesterday before I left. She's on my side so I need to be honest and tell her what happened last night (she was out).

But apart from that it was amazing to sleep in my own bed last night! I haven't slept that well in weeks!!

I'll be back soon hopefully.

sleep deprived ramble

Sleep; what is sleep? it's not happening at the moment, not after all my nights meds even. That sentence was so gramatically off. This could be total ramble.

I feel so disconnected to the unit right now; which I think it a good thing. I'm finding all the conversation and dr's and mealplans and weight and bagging out staff members etc to be so uninteresting, and sometimes juvenile. Don't get me wrong; I've done plenty of it in the past and still do sometimes. But I'm more focussed on my recovery and my journey I think. That's what's making it hard in here because it's so about food and weight and I just want to get out and enjoy life as best I can. Not trapped in this little cocoon; this butterfly is ready to emerge, slowly but surely. I'm trying to keep my distance a little because it's all too easy to get caught up in the fun and games that go on to avoid the real issues behind things. It's all too easy to get hyped up and laughing; but when it's talking about dr's characterisitics? I don't know, it just doesn't sit well. My world is wider than that. Not to say they are; simply I am in a different place.

Saw Due Date with a friend today; pretty good movie. Funny and very inappropriate at times but in a good way. Not a movie I'd see with my Mum or little sister though! The friend I went with was perfect; we are very different but at the same time have similar interests and what not.

Have the family Christmas party tomorrow which I'm looking forward to but also dreading. The mundane conversations, the usual "how's uni", "how's res" etc.. so much of this year has been taken up by ED that it takes a lot of effort to pull up all the other stuff I've done. Because of course ED won't be mentioned. At all. Mum was meant to call tonight to discuss how I'll handle food stuff but she didn't.. so guess I'll see if she can give me a call in the morning or even I'll write down what I need and give it to her when I see her.

Starting to feel a little more sleepy. I have the whole back of eyeballs burning but my head is racing around. Maybe this time I'll have more luck with finding sleep. I had hoped the medication would help me find it. Obviously not!

So I have a date to leave!! Two weeks today :) I'm so excited about it all. I'm ready, I'm sick of being in hospital and being around all the shit that goes on. I'm trying to keep myself apart from it all but it's so hard.

I went out last night for dinner, and managed to eat a proper dinner. I had two sushi rolls (one salmon, one tuna) and a regular berry Boost juice. Yum! Two fear foods at once and eating properly outside of program! Still very anxious and my mood has been quite low but hopefully once I get out it'll be better because I'll be back at home and feeling more comfortable. Hopefully I'll sleep better too; woke up at 4:30 yesterday.

I don't really have all that much to say.. this whole blog thing isn't flowing today but wanted to get back to it for it.

A little more positive!

Finally a little bit of positivity!! I've been a bundle of anxiety today and exhausted since I've been awake from 5am and had a big team meeting with my outside treatment team coming in.
But... I got pre-dicharge, which means that I have unlimited leave outside of program hours during the week and can go out all weekend!! I got a meal increase but that's ok, was going to happen- just means I'm on a "regular" dinner or a small plus dessert. So on the biggest mealplan I've ever been on, but I'm hungry for it?! So weird being able to say that.

So needless to say I'll be out as much as I can this weekend! With no study to do, I'll have plenty of time to socialise! I'm also going to go to my aunties and see my cousins who are so cute!!

Anyway, should get off to group. Just wanted a positive post!

Study has ended!!

Now I don't have my studies to distract me.. ED has turned to body image. Not necessarily in relation to the other patients, although it isn't making it easier that my friends are leaving and I'm left feeling huge (notice I didn't say look- I still believe it could be ED distortion or am at least open to it). But it's just this constant battle in my head. Do this, do that; wait don't do that do this. You had xx for snack so having xxx now is appropriate. Bleh my head won't SHUT UP!!!!

O well. I have super ward round tomorrow. My outside dietitian and psychologist are coming in which will be super weird. Number 1) they all used to work together at the clinic many years ago 2) they have other patients on the ward 3) I have to have ward round with all of them there!!!!! Pressure much?! I saw my psychologist today and she was lovely, reassured me that it'll be ok and that it's to make sure my treatment plan is on track; it's not to intimidate me and beat me down!

I'm so tired. So glad exams are over- I think I did enough to pass. Even if I didnt I can sit them again.
Anyway, meds are kicking in- time for bed for me. Hopefully won't wake up at 5am again!! O well at least I can get the weighing out of the way early.

A bit of a downer.

This post may not be the most positive; today is a hard way in a few ways.
First of all it's my close friends fueral; I can't believe she's gone. But I can't think about it too much, I need to be a little bit selfish. I'm not going. Mainly because I have my last exam today which I'm freaking out about. I've done so much study but I'm not sure how much my brain is retaining. I used to have great retention but this latest relapse has proved harder to bounce back from.

It seems that the more I relapse, the lower I get and the harder it is to climb back out of. I've been in here four weeks now and my mood and anxiety arent much different. My anxiety around meals is a little better but apart from that.. it's still struggle town. I'm struggling to not exercise so much. I feel like I'm on a huge mealplan that I'm not going to be able to keep up. I had a nutrition group yesterday that freaked me out- talking about which foods we're eating now and what it would look like if we were discharged now. Usually by this point I'm in a much better place.. I mean I still have 3 or 4 weeks left before I leave, but yeh. I didn't do well on my leave yesterday. I barely ate anything for dinner at Res- even though I knew I should I just felt like I didn't need it because we went out for coffee and cake and I had this huge muffin so it's not like I even needed dinner? But I know that's the ED. SO frustrating.
I am trying but it's just so hard.
But on the postive side in 5 hours my exams will be done for the year! Well hopefully anyway, if I fail I am able to do a supplementary exam. Which is good because my head is all over the place. I was going to do more study this morning but I'm too tired.. all I want to do is sleep.. so I'm off to have a nap now before lunch and hopefully will feel better for my exam!

Decisions.
I'm an adult now and I have so many more to make.
To go to the funeral or not to go? I think I've decided I'm not going. I hate admitting it but I feel so fragile.
So I'll go to my last exam on Wednesday, thank goodness it's all nearly over for the year! I've chosen my subjects for next year and am quite excited about that, but for now I need a break. I'll have three months to get things "right". Not quite sure what I'm doing over the summer holidays but it definitely will involve fun, friends, family and chilling out. Plus a lot of challenging the eating disorder, unfortunately appts are still there but they're needed so I don't go too off track. No, so I don't go off track at all. I want this to be the start of my new life; a life that's unhindered by ED and is one lived to the fullest. I know it won't be easy; everyone has their burdens in life but without ED it will seem a lot easier if I can get through this hard part. And I can start planning my 21st! I'm dreading it but also looking forward to it; can't believe I'm that old ;)

I'm so tired right now; I'm waking up at 5 or 6. It was 5 this morning!! So not fun, and I'm so not used to it. It's not helping things at all. But I don't want to try different medication before my exams just in case it affects my concentration and makes it worse than it already is.
Anyway I'm off, take care. The best thing to do for yourself is to take care and slow down when you need to; at least that's what I'm learning for myself.

Where to start.

One of my closest friends died during last week..
I'm not quite dealing with that. I'm trying to focus on getting through exams. I had one yesterday and have one Wednesday and then I'm done!

Foodwise things are going ok; had a few increases but I'm maintaining my weight!!! Can't believe it. All that I'm eating and I'm maintaining. I have times where I'm ok with that and then times where I really want to just lose weight but I need to keep reminding myself of the state I got myself into last time.

I had a good leave with my Mum today- introduced her to the cupcake bakery! Yum Yum. I had a lemon meringue one which was amazing and she had sticky date. I sneaked a bite and it was amazing!! So proud of myself; starting to break out of the muesli bar/sesame snap routine!!

Anyway I'm exhausted; a longer post will follow when I'm more coherent.

The achievements; the struggle

So thought I'd start with the achievements; since it's so easy to get caught up in all the little things (or big things) that are going wrong.

I went out last night to Mary Poppins with my Mum which was absolutely amazing!! I wish I could see it again, just loved the whole thing so much. I had to have dinner and supper out which was a super-huge challenge since I'm still struggling with the whole MP thing. But I did it; we went to The Groove Train and I had a chicken and cous cous salad- I asked for it to come without dressing but they put it on and yum! It tasted so much better than it would without it. And I had 2 tim tams for supper!! So there's a few fears done with; or at least challenged a bit.



This is a bit sad, but I moved out completely of the student residence I live in =( Although I will be back next year! but it was so sad to see everything gone, and my side of the room completely bare!! Although seeing my friends was amazing and it helps seeing their excitement to see me- reminds me that I am loved and wanted.

So the not so great side of things. I had ward round yesterday. Not so great. I'm eating my mealplan but have been really rigid, eating the same snacks at the same time- which the dietitian says needs to change so I've been doing that but it's causing a lot of anxiety. I'm still on phase 1, which is leave only between meals. They offered 2 which is leave including a meal, so more time out- but I'm not ready. I really surprised myself last night, but it was easier because it was with my Mum and I used lots of anti-anxiety medication. But I will continue to challenge because that is the only way I will make moves towards full recovery.
Also I have been honest about the exercise in my room, and there's a possibility I will be moved to a room closer to the nurses station which is a bummer. I know it would be a single room , but it doesn't have a bathroom and I like my non-communal bathroom and my room mate is lovely! So I'm making more effort to switch it up, which is causing a lot of anxiety but that's ok, it gets harder before it gets easier!

I'm finding it really hard to study, all I want to do is sleep! I'm applying for special consideration (swallowing my pride!) which I didn't do last semester. I'm not sure what I'll get from that but I'll see. I'll get something at least. Exams are coming up so fast! My first one is the 19th and my second one is the 24th. I can't believe it's November already!

Anyway, take care whoever's reading. Love

Not a failure... but a new beginning.

I know in my previous post I was quite down.

Wel I've decided that instead of being a failure, this admission is a new beginning. Wow. I didn't even mention last time that I had decided on another admission!! How quickly things change; a few weeks ago I was was adament that there would not be anymore admissions. I was doing this by myself.

But a life lived on 900 cals and spent burning all of it off again is no life at all. Coming in here has opened my eyes to how bloody tired I have gotten, and how far I had sunk. It's hard with all these really small anorexic girls but I'm focussing on my recovery and what I need.



I got phase 1 at ward round, so I have two leaves which are accompanied so someone has to be with me. Usually I'm unaccompanied but the exercise urges are just so huge at the moment that I asked to be on it to stay safe. But the big thing is I'm off post meal- so no supervision after meals! I can stay in the lounge if I want but I can also go off to my room which has been a big help. I don't want to get too involved with all the politics that go in in the unit, I'm focussing on me and what I need. Also staying in touch with friends outside of here is a huge help!!

I'm going out today!! Which will be amazing. A friend from res is picking me up and taking me back there. So I'll be out from 12:30 til 3!! :) I'm ignoring my study until tomorrow when I'll start. But I have an amazing tutor who is also a student advocate so she she is willing to help me work through the paperwork for special consideration; I just need to get past my bloody pride!

Failure?

I feel... like a failure.

After all this time, all this treatment. Still I'm stuck.

Maybe I should do a post on my history? It's a long one. 20 years old and ED'd for at least 8, maybe 9 of those years.

We talked today in group about full recovery, and whether we think it's possible. Interestingly, half of us thought it was and half didn't. I'm firmly in the FULL recovery camp. I may be struggling intensely, but I am so far ahead of where I was before I got treatment 3 years ago- which admittedly was pretty shitty, and not specialised. And I have hope; something I didn't have 3 years ago. My life is still consumed a lot by ED; but not completely as it was.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to listen to the voice that says life isn't worth it anyway; life is worth it. Despite thoughts of not being good enough, of not being able to get anywhere; I can go places, I have gone places and if I keep fighting I will go places.

But the only way to do that is without ED- I REFUSE to compromise and merely "manage" my ED the rest of my life. It is only recovery for me, despite how hard it is.

I have some choices to make at the moment. They are a lot less than I had a month ago. It is basically public hospital (which I have never been to, but the one I am zoned in has a solid ED program- and maybe a fresh start would help?); the private one which I attend DP at (but which has gone downhill since I was inpatient at it and I hear so many stories of people getting away with shit and just not positive); or I fight- I get my calories up by myself, with the help of my treatment team.

Totally unsure. But still. Down to dinner I go!

Boost Juice Alert!!

So after talking about it yesterday I actually had a boost juice! Granted it was a kids size, but yum!! I was anxious before it and during it, thinking that I didn't need it and it wasn't my normal muesli bar blah blah. But I finished that damn thing and enjoyed it! I love berries at any time; I make my own smoothies when I'm at home so why are there different rules for Boost? Doesn't make sense!! I even got a free one since I must have had it quite a bit at the start of the year :)

Apart from that my day was uneventful. I just made myself have supper- last night I was craving Cheerios for some odd reason. Today I bought and they were yum; actually there's fear food number 2 down! It was easier knowing that I needed the calories since I did body balance and went on the eliptical today.

Tomorrow will be harder to justify eating so much since I'm out with friends and the gym closes early on a Sunday. But I'll do it because the more I do now the easier it will be later! I can't avoid eating although my ED would love me to :( But I damn well aren't going to let it win! I win. Full stop.

Back again :)
Two posts in two days! It's a record!
It's such a crappy day today; it's rained ever since I woke up. But the upside is it's the perfect day for a nap... a two hour nap! Oops... meant to wake up at 3 to catch up on uni work since I've missed the last two weeks. But guess my body had other thoughts... so we'll put it up to me listening to my body!! Hehe. I still am feeling slightly unwell, so it's fair enough. And I have 3 weeks after uni finishes to study, while also working for my Dad so I figure I have time at the moment to just chill if I need. And blog... double oops!!

Regarding my post yesterday, I made it to where my interum goal. I'm sorry about calories, I'd rather not have to talk about them but it's so about calories at the moment that it's hard. I've never done supplements; it's such a big fear for some reason? I've mostly overcome my fear of liquid calories; or I had. Back earlier in the year I was getting the last size Boost Juices, and not caring if they were the low cal ones or now; in fact I believe my favourite was Mango Magic with passionfruit. Yuum!!
I'd love to get back to that place; which is why I've been pushing so hard to be allowed to stay in Day Program; while it's repetitive and like the inpatient program the days that I do really push me. Monday we go out for coffee (no skinnies allowed here ;)!) and they've actually been mixing it up instead of going to a Bakery which only sells bread and bread related products (which they started going to when I briefly did it at the start of 2009). And Wednesdays we go out for coffee and cake. I hate it at times, but I see the value in it. The challenge is how to keep it up once I leave the program at the end of the month.

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed my ramblings ;) I'd better get some study done before dinner- lets see what the cook has managed to concoct tonight... probably something doused in oil that even the "normal" (god I HATE that word ) non-ED people find hard to eat and usually duck off to KFC or McD's afterwards!!

So what a long freaking day.
I had three appts: Psychologist then psychiatrist an hour and a half later outreach (basically meal support and practical support).

Psychologist was ok; I'm changing back to the one in my home town over the Summer. I detected a little bit of resentment, but I know she's supposed to be proffessional about it? I pay her enough! But she wouldn't even guarantee that she'll have a spot to see me next year. So whatever.

Right now my biggest hurdle is that my psychiatrist isn't happy with how I'm going. I'm not underweight by any means but he was threatening the public hospital, which has a reputation of being really tough; but also has a great ED program. Downside- he thinks that I'm close to needing tube feeding. I don't understand; I'm eating (admittedly 900cal some days but still more than a lot of people with ED's) so it's not like I can't eat if I'm supported in a program. I've been in the private clinic quite a few times and each time in there have just done what I've needed to, each time I've gotten more confident with my eating too.

What I want to do most of all is do this myself out of hospital. I've been texting friends since I saw him, asking for their advice. I mean I know how to do a 1500 cal mealplan but it seems like such a lot. :( I've been looking at supplements; god they're expensive and something that I've actually managed to avoid in my 3 and a bit years of ED treatment. I've always chosen food over supplements, but now I'm struggling so badly I'm giving in. But giving in in a good way?

Thank god I had outreach after; that woman is amazing. She's tough but compassionate and used to be a nurse on the ED unit so has known me since I first started at the clinic. She gave me some good challenges and made me think a lot.

Ok so I'm off to the gym; I might come back and post later. Hopefully people will start reading soon!!

still sick... but loving the weather at the beach!

So I'm still sick :( Starting to feel a bit better though, I slept for two hours this afternoon!! I'm at the beach and I'm sleeping all the time :( But we went for a walk into town and were out for two hours this morning.

Ok so this is absolutely amazing,I went shopping for bathers (or swimmers for UK readers!! That's if I have any). I bought a tankini AND I bought a bikini. Now the bikini I won't be able to wear until I lose quite a bit more weight. Also I relapsed with self harm over the last 3-4 months, I have done it in just over a week which is amazing. I'm very proud of myself.
I have some really bad scars on my stomach though which I've been using cream to try to fade a little, if they do then they'll look like bad stretch marks which i I can deal with. My big win of the day- I admitted to my Mum I relapsed with self harm!! Usually I tell her nothing.

I've been really struggling with eating while I've been here. The last two days I've limited it to 1500, today a little less. But I'm terrified that I'm going to gain. My MP calls for 1200.
But. Ok so my psych wants me to be eating 1800-2000cal a day. But because I haven't been to the gym I've been struggling with even eating 1200. Since I'm on holidays with my family they have all this triggering food lying around, so I've binged/purged, although it wasn't an honest binge like I used to. I'm just eating more food, and not as nutritiously as I usually do.

I do want my blog to be positive, but it also has to be honest. So while I will try not to use numbers, I can't promise I won't. And since no one is reading at this point it's quite alright! I do want to keep it private from my friends and particularly my family- but I can see myself liking this whole blog thing since I love writing ;)

Hm since I doubt anyway's reading this, I guess I'll just spill my guts. Reading blogs has really inspired me; but I've also seen what I don't what to do. Although I'm in a really rocky place with my ED right now, I'm trying to be positive.

Today was really off. I ate very little and then got picked up by my parent's to go to the beach. Of course they had a lot of fear foods sitting in their car for my brother and sister, and since my former bulimic tendencies tend to come into play in these situations, I ate my fair share. I felt so sick when I got back to our accomodation, I was actually sick. Not eating during the day then eating sugary foods isn't a good combination! I had a nutritious dinner and then still flipping ate more! So over 2000 cals today!

But our accomodation here is absolutely amazing; I got my own room with a double bed becaus i've been so sick :) So there's one positive- downside is we still don't know what's going on!

Anyway, I will definitely be back, with pictures of our place and more stories :)

So I suppose this may as well be my first post; it's been a long time since I last posted and so much has happened.
The purpose of this blog is to document my progress that will be occurring over the next however long it takes.
I've grown in so many ways this year; but still it comes down to the fact the monster ED rules my life.
I have one week. One week in which to figure out what I want. I had ward round today at the Day Program I attend and basically they laid down the law: I need to want recovery and being taking active steps towards it. So often I feel that I am, yet then I do something to sabotage it.

I've started with a new dietitian, who I think will help a lot. She's given me a very specific mealplan which I've been finding more helpful than the vague "you know how to eat, you've had so many inpatient stays now". I may have had many inpatient stays but I don't know how to eat in real life.
I don't know how to exercise in moderation. That is a long story in itself. Maybe I will go into it one day?
But right now I feel stuck and according to my psychologist I am also in denial.

But the positives are that I completed last semester of uni with fairly good results (ok pretty good results but the perfectionist in me says I should be doing better) and this semester I'm on track to do the same, although I did go part time because full time day program and uni made me a little crazy! I only have one month left and then uni will be over for the year apart from my two exams! I'm working for my Dad in November, making as much I would working at my old work over the whole summer :) I'm also going back to my old psychologist in my home town over the summer which I am very excited about; she is amazing and saved my life back when I was so sick.

Anyway enough of that; I hope someone reads this, I've read so many helpful blogs and would love to use this blog as a helpful outlet for everything.

Entry from today

I am so tired, I really can't be bothered writing in my journal so I'll write on here instead- actually this is kind of what prompted me to start a blog!!

Today was a pretty good birthday; it was weird waking up and not being at home. It was nice being able to do my own thing, but it didn't really feel like my birthday until I saw M and S and then after that when I got the train home and saw my family.

I started outreach today and I can already see it's going to be really hard. I'm really struggling at the Res (where I'm living) and have cut my calories down quite a bit- not intentionally. It's just so hard when I have a bmi that is technically overweight- I was promised I wouldn't gain and I have. OK but i won't go there, not in my first real post. It was really hard having to eat a real lunch and having to eat meat. At the Res they serve either a meat option or a vegan option for dinner and of course, vegan is easier. So now I've moved, I'm a vegetarian or that's what I've told people when they ask. Ugh, stupid!!

Today I decided that I'd show ED and I'd eat some chocolate; so I did. I ate a little more than I was comfortable with. I hate it, I try to challenge and then it backfires. I'm feeling so confused and vulnerable right now. This move has really thrown me, I don't know why. I love the people where I'm staying, and I've already made friends at uni.. but my ED has seized on all the freedom I now have. But I can't continue to give in; I've fought too long and hard to give in now.

I'm going out for breakfast tomorrow with a good friend R, which will be so nice!! I love doing breakfast with her, we're breakfast buddies!! But it will be scary since I've cut back a lot on what I will eat in the last month or so :( But I will push myself! And then I will have some birthday cake for afternoon tea, white chocolate mud cake. So scary!! But I will do it, I am allowed to have cake for my freaking birthday! (even if it is the day after!).

Wow first post!!

Hmm so wow, Hi!!

I've been reading recovery blogs a little for the past months and they've really inspired me!! I'm hoping that maybe I'll be able to find some accountability, friendship and an outlet of everything along the way. I have had an ED for around 7 or so years now, and have been in some kind of recovery for about 2. I'm a little unsure about what I want right now in terms of recovery but I'm trying.

I'm 20 today!! wow. Feel so old. I can't believe I'm not a teenager anymore.
I live in Victoria, Australia and recently moved to go to uni!! Yay so exciting- it has been my dream for a long time and I am really excited to have gotten this chance to move down. I'm studying arts-history, philosophy and english; which are all subjects I've been really passionate about.

I really hope that I can start to find myself this year, and find life along the way.

I will probably mention my treamtment team, it's really confusing there are a lot of J's!! I seem to go for people starting with J to be on my team; it's crazy.
So J is my psychologist
C is my psychiatrist
JJ is my dietitian

I hope that I can muddle my way along, and be honest, and give support as much as I can.

C-