It's been a little while.... hope you all had a lovely Christmas!! Can't believe it's nearly a new year already!! I'm going out with friends for the first time in a long time which will be good. A bit of alcohol will be consumed too ;) even tho ED hates it, I'm still doing it!
I had a bit of a scare on Boxing Day, I fainted for the first time ever.. it was a bit of a wake up call. I was doing/taking many things which I know I shouldn't have.. I was cutting up fruit with a huge knife and the next thing I knew I was on the floor. It definitely scared my Mum and she was quite angry when I confessed what I was doing... after so many hospital admissions I should know what to do and just freaking do it!!! It's so frustrating that it just isn't that easy.

Apart from that there isn't much to say... just getting through each day take all of my energy at the moment. I wish I could say there was something more exciting... just trying to figure out uni and what I want to do with my degree- can't believe I'm second year already!

Hey!!

My laptop is currently down so I won't be able to post as much. I was borrowing my brothers while I was in hospital.. but guess what??!! I'm not there! I came home yesterday. It was kind of fast, I only decided Wednesday night I couldn't stand it any longer.

I had a really hard night last night, with binge/purging, which is weird because it's not a behaviour I've used for a long time. But today I've gotten up, completed my mealplan so far even though I feel like I don't need it because I've barely done a thing! But I have been "prescribed" it by my dietitian in IP and it will get looked at when I get to see my amazing outpatient dietitian who I will see weekly to start off with and she'll monitor my weight. So I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Also I had a big meeting with my team and my Mum yesterday before I left. She's on my side so I need to be honest and tell her what happened last night (she was out).

But apart from that it was amazing to sleep in my own bed last night! I haven't slept that well in weeks!!

I'll be back soon hopefully.

sleep deprived ramble

Sleep; what is sleep? it's not happening at the moment, not after all my nights meds even. That sentence was so gramatically off. This could be total ramble.

I feel so disconnected to the unit right now; which I think it a good thing. I'm finding all the conversation and dr's and mealplans and weight and bagging out staff members etc to be so uninteresting, and sometimes juvenile. Don't get me wrong; I've done plenty of it in the past and still do sometimes. But I'm more focussed on my recovery and my journey I think. That's what's making it hard in here because it's so about food and weight and I just want to get out and enjoy life as best I can. Not trapped in this little cocoon; this butterfly is ready to emerge, slowly but surely. I'm trying to keep my distance a little because it's all too easy to get caught up in the fun and games that go on to avoid the real issues behind things. It's all too easy to get hyped up and laughing; but when it's talking about dr's characterisitics? I don't know, it just doesn't sit well. My world is wider than that. Not to say they are; simply I am in a different place.

Saw Due Date with a friend today; pretty good movie. Funny and very inappropriate at times but in a good way. Not a movie I'd see with my Mum or little sister though! The friend I went with was perfect; we are very different but at the same time have similar interests and what not.

Have the family Christmas party tomorrow which I'm looking forward to but also dreading. The mundane conversations, the usual "how's uni", "how's res" etc.. so much of this year has been taken up by ED that it takes a lot of effort to pull up all the other stuff I've done. Because of course ED won't be mentioned. At all. Mum was meant to call tonight to discuss how I'll handle food stuff but she didn't.. so guess I'll see if she can give me a call in the morning or even I'll write down what I need and give it to her when I see her.

Starting to feel a little more sleepy. I have the whole back of eyeballs burning but my head is racing around. Maybe this time I'll have more luck with finding sleep. I had hoped the medication would help me find it. Obviously not!