So I have a date to leave!! Two weeks today :) I'm so excited about it all. I'm ready, I'm sick of being in hospital and being around all the shit that goes on. I'm trying to keep myself apart from it all but it's so hard.

I went out last night for dinner, and managed to eat a proper dinner. I had two sushi rolls (one salmon, one tuna) and a regular berry Boost juice. Yum! Two fear foods at once and eating properly outside of program! Still very anxious and my mood has been quite low but hopefully once I get out it'll be better because I'll be back at home and feeling more comfortable. Hopefully I'll sleep better too; woke up at 4:30 yesterday.

I don't really have all that much to say.. this whole blog thing isn't flowing today but wanted to get back to it for it.

A little more positive!

Finally a little bit of positivity!! I've been a bundle of anxiety today and exhausted since I've been awake from 5am and had a big team meeting with my outside treatment team coming in.
But... I got pre-dicharge, which means that I have unlimited leave outside of program hours during the week and can go out all weekend!! I got a meal increase but that's ok, was going to happen- just means I'm on a "regular" dinner or a small plus dessert. So on the biggest mealplan I've ever been on, but I'm hungry for it?! So weird being able to say that.

So needless to say I'll be out as much as I can this weekend! With no study to do, I'll have plenty of time to socialise! I'm also going to go to my aunties and see my cousins who are so cute!!

Anyway, should get off to group. Just wanted a positive post!

Study has ended!!

Now I don't have my studies to distract me.. ED has turned to body image. Not necessarily in relation to the other patients, although it isn't making it easier that my friends are leaving and I'm left feeling huge (notice I didn't say look- I still believe it could be ED distortion or am at least open to it). But it's just this constant battle in my head. Do this, do that; wait don't do that do this. You had xx for snack so having xxx now is appropriate. Bleh my head won't SHUT UP!!!!

O well. I have super ward round tomorrow. My outside dietitian and psychologist are coming in which will be super weird. Number 1) they all used to work together at the clinic many years ago 2) they have other patients on the ward 3) I have to have ward round with all of them there!!!!! Pressure much?! I saw my psychologist today and she was lovely, reassured me that it'll be ok and that it's to make sure my treatment plan is on track; it's not to intimidate me and beat me down!

I'm so tired. So glad exams are over- I think I did enough to pass. Even if I didnt I can sit them again.
Anyway, meds are kicking in- time for bed for me. Hopefully won't wake up at 5am again!! O well at least I can get the weighing out of the way early.

A bit of a downer.

This post may not be the most positive; today is a hard way in a few ways.
First of all it's my close friends fueral; I can't believe she's gone. But I can't think about it too much, I need to be a little bit selfish. I'm not going. Mainly because I have my last exam today which I'm freaking out about. I've done so much study but I'm not sure how much my brain is retaining. I used to have great retention but this latest relapse has proved harder to bounce back from.

It seems that the more I relapse, the lower I get and the harder it is to climb back out of. I've been in here four weeks now and my mood and anxiety arent much different. My anxiety around meals is a little better but apart from that.. it's still struggle town. I'm struggling to not exercise so much. I feel like I'm on a huge mealplan that I'm not going to be able to keep up. I had a nutrition group yesterday that freaked me out- talking about which foods we're eating now and what it would look like if we were discharged now. Usually by this point I'm in a much better place.. I mean I still have 3 or 4 weeks left before I leave, but yeh. I didn't do well on my leave yesterday. I barely ate anything for dinner at Res- even though I knew I should I just felt like I didn't need it because we went out for coffee and cake and I had this huge muffin so it's not like I even needed dinner? But I know that's the ED. SO frustrating.
I am trying but it's just so hard.
But on the postive side in 5 hours my exams will be done for the year! Well hopefully anyway, if I fail I am able to do a supplementary exam. Which is good because my head is all over the place. I was going to do more study this morning but I'm too tired.. all I want to do is sleep.. so I'm off to have a nap now before lunch and hopefully will feel better for my exam!

Decisions.
I'm an adult now and I have so many more to make.
To go to the funeral or not to go? I think I've decided I'm not going. I hate admitting it but I feel so fragile.
So I'll go to my last exam on Wednesday, thank goodness it's all nearly over for the year! I've chosen my subjects for next year and am quite excited about that, but for now I need a break. I'll have three months to get things "right". Not quite sure what I'm doing over the summer holidays but it definitely will involve fun, friends, family and chilling out. Plus a lot of challenging the eating disorder, unfortunately appts are still there but they're needed so I don't go too off track. No, so I don't go off track at all. I want this to be the start of my new life; a life that's unhindered by ED and is one lived to the fullest. I know it won't be easy; everyone has their burdens in life but without ED it will seem a lot easier if I can get through this hard part. And I can start planning my 21st! I'm dreading it but also looking forward to it; can't believe I'm that old ;)

I'm so tired right now; I'm waking up at 5 or 6. It was 5 this morning!! So not fun, and I'm so not used to it. It's not helping things at all. But I don't want to try different medication before my exams just in case it affects my concentration and makes it worse than it already is.
Anyway I'm off, take care. The best thing to do for yourself is to take care and slow down when you need to; at least that's what I'm learning for myself.

Where to start.

One of my closest friends died during last week..
I'm not quite dealing with that. I'm trying to focus on getting through exams. I had one yesterday and have one Wednesday and then I'm done!

Foodwise things are going ok; had a few increases but I'm maintaining my weight!!! Can't believe it. All that I'm eating and I'm maintaining. I have times where I'm ok with that and then times where I really want to just lose weight but I need to keep reminding myself of the state I got myself into last time.

I had a good leave with my Mum today- introduced her to the cupcake bakery! Yum Yum. I had a lemon meringue one which was amazing and she had sticky date. I sneaked a bite and it was amazing!! So proud of myself; starting to break out of the muesli bar/sesame snap routine!!

Anyway I'm exhausted; a longer post will follow when I'm more coherent.

The achievements; the struggle

So thought I'd start with the achievements; since it's so easy to get caught up in all the little things (or big things) that are going wrong.

I went out last night to Mary Poppins with my Mum which was absolutely amazing!! I wish I could see it again, just loved the whole thing so much. I had to have dinner and supper out which was a super-huge challenge since I'm still struggling with the whole MP thing. But I did it; we went to The Groove Train and I had a chicken and cous cous salad- I asked for it to come without dressing but they put it on and yum! It tasted so much better than it would without it. And I had 2 tim tams for supper!! So there's a few fears done with; or at least challenged a bit.



This is a bit sad, but I moved out completely of the student residence I live in =( Although I will be back next year! but it was so sad to see everything gone, and my side of the room completely bare!! Although seeing my friends was amazing and it helps seeing their excitement to see me- reminds me that I am loved and wanted.

So the not so great side of things. I had ward round yesterday. Not so great. I'm eating my mealplan but have been really rigid, eating the same snacks at the same time- which the dietitian says needs to change so I've been doing that but it's causing a lot of anxiety. I'm still on phase 1, which is leave only between meals. They offered 2 which is leave including a meal, so more time out- but I'm not ready. I really surprised myself last night, but it was easier because it was with my Mum and I used lots of anti-anxiety medication. But I will continue to challenge because that is the only way I will make moves towards full recovery.
Also I have been honest about the exercise in my room, and there's a possibility I will be moved to a room closer to the nurses station which is a bummer. I know it would be a single room , but it doesn't have a bathroom and I like my non-communal bathroom and my room mate is lovely! So I'm making more effort to switch it up, which is causing a lot of anxiety but that's ok, it gets harder before it gets easier!

I'm finding it really hard to study, all I want to do is sleep! I'm applying for special consideration (swallowing my pride!) which I didn't do last semester. I'm not sure what I'll get from that but I'll see. I'll get something at least. Exams are coming up so fast! My first one is the 19th and my second one is the 24th. I can't believe it's November already!

Anyway, take care whoever's reading. Love