sleep deprived ramble

Sleep; what is sleep? it's not happening at the moment, not after all my nights meds even. That sentence was so gramatically off. This could be total ramble.

I feel so disconnected to the unit right now; which I think it a good thing. I'm finding all the conversation and dr's and mealplans and weight and bagging out staff members etc to be so uninteresting, and sometimes juvenile. Don't get me wrong; I've done plenty of it in the past and still do sometimes. But I'm more focussed on my recovery and my journey I think. That's what's making it hard in here because it's so about food and weight and I just want to get out and enjoy life as best I can. Not trapped in this little cocoon; this butterfly is ready to emerge, slowly but surely. I'm trying to keep my distance a little because it's all too easy to get caught up in the fun and games that go on to avoid the real issues behind things. It's all too easy to get hyped up and laughing; but when it's talking about dr's characterisitics? I don't know, it just doesn't sit well. My world is wider than that. Not to say they are; simply I am in a different place.

Saw Due Date with a friend today; pretty good movie. Funny and very inappropriate at times but in a good way. Not a movie I'd see with my Mum or little sister though! The friend I went with was perfect; we are very different but at the same time have similar interests and what not.

Have the family Christmas party tomorrow which I'm looking forward to but also dreading. The mundane conversations, the usual "how's uni", "how's res" etc.. so much of this year has been taken up by ED that it takes a lot of effort to pull up all the other stuff I've done. Because of course ED won't be mentioned. At all. Mum was meant to call tonight to discuss how I'll handle food stuff but she didn't.. so guess I'll see if she can give me a call in the morning or even I'll write down what I need and give it to her when I see her.

Starting to feel a little more sleepy. I have the whole back of eyeballs burning but my head is racing around. Maybe this time I'll have more luck with finding sleep. I had hoped the medication would help me find it. Obviously not!