Failure?

I feel... like a failure.

After all this time, all this treatment. Still I'm stuck.

Maybe I should do a post on my history? It's a long one. 20 years old and ED'd for at least 8, maybe 9 of those years.

We talked today in group about full recovery, and whether we think it's possible. Interestingly, half of us thought it was and half didn't. I'm firmly in the FULL recovery camp. I may be struggling intensely, but I am so far ahead of where I was before I got treatment 3 years ago- which admittedly was pretty shitty, and not specialised. And I have hope; something I didn't have 3 years ago. My life is still consumed a lot by ED; but not completely as it was.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to listen to the voice that says life isn't worth it anyway; life is worth it. Despite thoughts of not being good enough, of not being able to get anywhere; I can go places, I have gone places and if I keep fighting I will go places.

But the only way to do that is without ED- I REFUSE to compromise and merely "manage" my ED the rest of my life. It is only recovery for me, despite how hard it is.

I have some choices to make at the moment. They are a lot less than I had a month ago. It is basically public hospital (which I have never been to, but the one I am zoned in has a solid ED program- and maybe a fresh start would help?); the private one which I attend DP at (but which has gone downhill since I was inpatient at it and I hear so many stories of people getting away with shit and just not positive); or I fight- I get my calories up by myself, with the help of my treatment team.

Totally unsure. But still. Down to dinner I go!