still sick... but loving the weather at the beach!

So I'm still sick :( Starting to feel a bit better though, I slept for two hours this afternoon!! I'm at the beach and I'm sleeping all the time :( But we went for a walk into town and were out for two hours this morning.

Ok so this is absolutely amazing,I went shopping for bathers (or swimmers for UK readers!! That's if I have any). I bought a tankini AND I bought a bikini. Now the bikini I won't be able to wear until I lose quite a bit more weight. Also I relapsed with self harm over the last 3-4 months, I have done it in just over a week which is amazing. I'm very proud of myself.
I have some really bad scars on my stomach though which I've been using cream to try to fade a little, if they do then they'll look like bad stretch marks which i I can deal with. My big win of the day- I admitted to my Mum I relapsed with self harm!! Usually I tell her nothing.

I've been really struggling with eating while I've been here. The last two days I've limited it to 1500, today a little less. But I'm terrified that I'm going to gain. My MP calls for 1200.
But. Ok so my psych wants me to be eating 1800-2000cal a day. But because I haven't been to the gym I've been struggling with even eating 1200. Since I'm on holidays with my family they have all this triggering food lying around, so I've binged/purged, although it wasn't an honest binge like I used to. I'm just eating more food, and not as nutritiously as I usually do.

I do want my blog to be positive, but it also has to be honest. So while I will try not to use numbers, I can't promise I won't. And since no one is reading at this point it's quite alright! I do want to keep it private from my friends and particularly my family- but I can see myself liking this whole blog thing since I love writing ;)