It's been a little while.... hope you all had a lovely Christmas!! Can't believe it's nearly a new year already!! I'm going out with friends for the first time in a long time which will be good. A bit of alcohol will be consumed too ;) even tho ED hates it, I'm still doing it!
I had a bit of a scare on Boxing Day, I fainted for the first time ever.. it was a bit of a wake up call. I was doing/taking many things which I know I shouldn't have.. I was cutting up fruit with a huge knife and the next thing I knew I was on the floor. It definitely scared my Mum and she was quite angry when I confessed what I was doing... after so many hospital admissions I should know what to do and just freaking do it!!! It's so frustrating that it just isn't that easy.

Apart from that there isn't much to say... just getting through each day take all of my energy at the moment. I wish I could say there was something more exciting... just trying to figure out uni and what I want to do with my degree- can't believe I'm second year already!

Hey!!

My laptop is currently down so I won't be able to post as much. I was borrowing my brothers while I was in hospital.. but guess what??!! I'm not there! I came home yesterday. It was kind of fast, I only decided Wednesday night I couldn't stand it any longer.

I had a really hard night last night, with binge/purging, which is weird because it's not a behaviour I've used for a long time. But today I've gotten up, completed my mealplan so far even though I feel like I don't need it because I've barely done a thing! But I have been "prescribed" it by my dietitian in IP and it will get looked at when I get to see my amazing outpatient dietitian who I will see weekly to start off with and she'll monitor my weight. So I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Also I had a big meeting with my team and my Mum yesterday before I left. She's on my side so I need to be honest and tell her what happened last night (she was out).

But apart from that it was amazing to sleep in my own bed last night! I haven't slept that well in weeks!!

I'll be back soon hopefully.

sleep deprived ramble

Sleep; what is sleep? it's not happening at the moment, not after all my nights meds even. That sentence was so gramatically off. This could be total ramble.

I feel so disconnected to the unit right now; which I think it a good thing. I'm finding all the conversation and dr's and mealplans and weight and bagging out staff members etc to be so uninteresting, and sometimes juvenile. Don't get me wrong; I've done plenty of it in the past and still do sometimes. But I'm more focussed on my recovery and my journey I think. That's what's making it hard in here because it's so about food and weight and I just want to get out and enjoy life as best I can. Not trapped in this little cocoon; this butterfly is ready to emerge, slowly but surely. I'm trying to keep my distance a little because it's all too easy to get caught up in the fun and games that go on to avoid the real issues behind things. It's all too easy to get hyped up and laughing; but when it's talking about dr's characterisitics? I don't know, it just doesn't sit well. My world is wider than that. Not to say they are; simply I am in a different place.

Saw Due Date with a friend today; pretty good movie. Funny and very inappropriate at times but in a good way. Not a movie I'd see with my Mum or little sister though! The friend I went with was perfect; we are very different but at the same time have similar interests and what not.

Have the family Christmas party tomorrow which I'm looking forward to but also dreading. The mundane conversations, the usual "how's uni", "how's res" etc.. so much of this year has been taken up by ED that it takes a lot of effort to pull up all the other stuff I've done. Because of course ED won't be mentioned. At all. Mum was meant to call tonight to discuss how I'll handle food stuff but she didn't.. so guess I'll see if she can give me a call in the morning or even I'll write down what I need and give it to her when I see her.

Starting to feel a little more sleepy. I have the whole back of eyeballs burning but my head is racing around. Maybe this time I'll have more luck with finding sleep. I had hoped the medication would help me find it. Obviously not!

So I have a date to leave!! Two weeks today :) I'm so excited about it all. I'm ready, I'm sick of being in hospital and being around all the shit that goes on. I'm trying to keep myself apart from it all but it's so hard.

I went out last night for dinner, and managed to eat a proper dinner. I had two sushi rolls (one salmon, one tuna) and a regular berry Boost juice. Yum! Two fear foods at once and eating properly outside of program! Still very anxious and my mood has been quite low but hopefully once I get out it'll be better because I'll be back at home and feeling more comfortable. Hopefully I'll sleep better too; woke up at 4:30 yesterday.

I don't really have all that much to say.. this whole blog thing isn't flowing today but wanted to get back to it for it.

A little more positive!

Finally a little bit of positivity!! I've been a bundle of anxiety today and exhausted since I've been awake from 5am and had a big team meeting with my outside treatment team coming in.
But... I got pre-dicharge, which means that I have unlimited leave outside of program hours during the week and can go out all weekend!! I got a meal increase but that's ok, was going to happen- just means I'm on a "regular" dinner or a small plus dessert. So on the biggest mealplan I've ever been on, but I'm hungry for it?! So weird being able to say that.

So needless to say I'll be out as much as I can this weekend! With no study to do, I'll have plenty of time to socialise! I'm also going to go to my aunties and see my cousins who are so cute!!

Anyway, should get off to group. Just wanted a positive post!

Study has ended!!

Now I don't have my studies to distract me.. ED has turned to body image. Not necessarily in relation to the other patients, although it isn't making it easier that my friends are leaving and I'm left feeling huge (notice I didn't say look- I still believe it could be ED distortion or am at least open to it). But it's just this constant battle in my head. Do this, do that; wait don't do that do this. You had xx for snack so having xxx now is appropriate. Bleh my head won't SHUT UP!!!!

O well. I have super ward round tomorrow. My outside dietitian and psychologist are coming in which will be super weird. Number 1) they all used to work together at the clinic many years ago 2) they have other patients on the ward 3) I have to have ward round with all of them there!!!!! Pressure much?! I saw my psychologist today and she was lovely, reassured me that it'll be ok and that it's to make sure my treatment plan is on track; it's not to intimidate me and beat me down!

I'm so tired. So glad exams are over- I think I did enough to pass. Even if I didnt I can sit them again.
Anyway, meds are kicking in- time for bed for me. Hopefully won't wake up at 5am again!! O well at least I can get the weighing out of the way early.

A bit of a downer.

This post may not be the most positive; today is a hard way in a few ways.
First of all it's my close friends fueral; I can't believe she's gone. But I can't think about it too much, I need to be a little bit selfish. I'm not going. Mainly because I have my last exam today which I'm freaking out about. I've done so much study but I'm not sure how much my brain is retaining. I used to have great retention but this latest relapse has proved harder to bounce back from.

It seems that the more I relapse, the lower I get and the harder it is to climb back out of. I've been in here four weeks now and my mood and anxiety arent much different. My anxiety around meals is a little better but apart from that.. it's still struggle town. I'm struggling to not exercise so much. I feel like I'm on a huge mealplan that I'm not going to be able to keep up. I had a nutrition group yesterday that freaked me out- talking about which foods we're eating now and what it would look like if we were discharged now. Usually by this point I'm in a much better place.. I mean I still have 3 or 4 weeks left before I leave, but yeh. I didn't do well on my leave yesterday. I barely ate anything for dinner at Res- even though I knew I should I just felt like I didn't need it because we went out for coffee and cake and I had this huge muffin so it's not like I even needed dinner? But I know that's the ED. SO frustrating.
I am trying but it's just so hard.
But on the postive side in 5 hours my exams will be done for the year! Well hopefully anyway, if I fail I am able to do a supplementary exam. Which is good because my head is all over the place. I was going to do more study this morning but I'm too tired.. all I want to do is sleep.. so I'm off to have a nap now before lunch and hopefully will feel better for my exam!