A bit of a downer.

This post may not be the most positive; today is a hard way in a few ways.
First of all it's my close friends fueral; I can't believe she's gone. But I can't think about it too much, I need to be a little bit selfish. I'm not going. Mainly because I have my last exam today which I'm freaking out about. I've done so much study but I'm not sure how much my brain is retaining. I used to have great retention but this latest relapse has proved harder to bounce back from.

It seems that the more I relapse, the lower I get and the harder it is to climb back out of. I've been in here four weeks now and my mood and anxiety arent much different. My anxiety around meals is a little better but apart from that.. it's still struggle town. I'm struggling to not exercise so much. I feel like I'm on a huge mealplan that I'm not going to be able to keep up. I had a nutrition group yesterday that freaked me out- talking about which foods we're eating now and what it would look like if we were discharged now. Usually by this point I'm in a much better place.. I mean I still have 3 or 4 weeks left before I leave, but yeh. I didn't do well on my leave yesterday. I barely ate anything for dinner at Res- even though I knew I should I just felt like I didn't need it because we went out for coffee and cake and I had this huge muffin so it's not like I even needed dinner? But I know that's the ED. SO frustrating.
I am trying but it's just so hard.
But on the postive side in 5 hours my exams will be done for the year! Well hopefully anyway, if I fail I am able to do a supplementary exam. Which is good because my head is all over the place. I was going to do more study this morning but I'm too tired.. all I want to do is sleep.. so I'm off to have a nap now before lunch and hopefully will feel better for my exam!

Decisions.
I'm an adult now and I have so many more to make.
To go to the funeral or not to go? I think I've decided I'm not going. I hate admitting it but I feel so fragile.
So I'll go to my last exam on Wednesday, thank goodness it's all nearly over for the year! I've chosen my subjects for next year and am quite excited about that, but for now I need a break. I'll have three months to get things "right". Not quite sure what I'm doing over the summer holidays but it definitely will involve fun, friends, family and chilling out. Plus a lot of challenging the eating disorder, unfortunately appts are still there but they're needed so I don't go too off track. No, so I don't go off track at all. I want this to be the start of my new life; a life that's unhindered by ED and is one lived to the fullest. I know it won't be easy; everyone has their burdens in life but without ED it will seem a lot easier if I can get through this hard part. And I can start planning my 21st! I'm dreading it but also looking forward to it; can't believe I'm that old ;)

I'm so tired right now; I'm waking up at 5 or 6. It was 5 this morning!! So not fun, and I'm so not used to it. It's not helping things at all. But I don't want to try different medication before my exams just in case it affects my concentration and makes it worse than it already is.
Anyway I'm off, take care. The best thing to do for yourself is to take care and slow down when you need to; at least that's what I'm learning for myself.

Where to start.

One of my closest friends died during last week..
I'm not quite dealing with that. I'm trying to focus on getting through exams. I had one yesterday and have one Wednesday and then I'm done!

Foodwise things are going ok; had a few increases but I'm maintaining my weight!!! Can't believe it. All that I'm eating and I'm maintaining. I have times where I'm ok with that and then times where I really want to just lose weight but I need to keep reminding myself of the state I got myself into last time.

I had a good leave with my Mum today- introduced her to the cupcake bakery! Yum Yum. I had a lemon meringue one which was amazing and she had sticky date. I sneaked a bite and it was amazing!! So proud of myself; starting to break out of the muesli bar/sesame snap routine!!

Anyway I'm exhausted; a longer post will follow when I'm more coherent.

The achievements; the struggle

So thought I'd start with the achievements; since it's so easy to get caught up in all the little things (or big things) that are going wrong.

I went out last night to Mary Poppins with my Mum which was absolutely amazing!! I wish I could see it again, just loved the whole thing so much. I had to have dinner and supper out which was a super-huge challenge since I'm still struggling with the whole MP thing. But I did it; we went to The Groove Train and I had a chicken and cous cous salad- I asked for it to come without dressing but they put it on and yum! It tasted so much better than it would without it. And I had 2 tim tams for supper!! So there's a few fears done with; or at least challenged a bit.



This is a bit sad, but I moved out completely of the student residence I live in =( Although I will be back next year! but it was so sad to see everything gone, and my side of the room completely bare!! Although seeing my friends was amazing and it helps seeing their excitement to see me- reminds me that I am loved and wanted.

So the not so great side of things. I had ward round yesterday. Not so great. I'm eating my mealplan but have been really rigid, eating the same snacks at the same time- which the dietitian says needs to change so I've been doing that but it's causing a lot of anxiety. I'm still on phase 1, which is leave only between meals. They offered 2 which is leave including a meal, so more time out- but I'm not ready. I really surprised myself last night, but it was easier because it was with my Mum and I used lots of anti-anxiety medication. But I will continue to challenge because that is the only way I will make moves towards full recovery.
Also I have been honest about the exercise in my room, and there's a possibility I will be moved to a room closer to the nurses station which is a bummer. I know it would be a single room , but it doesn't have a bathroom and I like my non-communal bathroom and my room mate is lovely! So I'm making more effort to switch it up, which is causing a lot of anxiety but that's ok, it gets harder before it gets easier!

I'm finding it really hard to study, all I want to do is sleep! I'm applying for special consideration (swallowing my pride!) which I didn't do last semester. I'm not sure what I'll get from that but I'll see. I'll get something at least. Exams are coming up so fast! My first one is the 19th and my second one is the 24th. I can't believe it's November already!

Anyway, take care whoever's reading. Love

Not a failure... but a new beginning.

I know in my previous post I was quite down.

Wel I've decided that instead of being a failure, this admission is a new beginning. Wow. I didn't even mention last time that I had decided on another admission!! How quickly things change; a few weeks ago I was was adament that there would not be anymore admissions. I was doing this by myself.

But a life lived on 900 cals and spent burning all of it off again is no life at all. Coming in here has opened my eyes to how bloody tired I have gotten, and how far I had sunk. It's hard with all these really small anorexic girls but I'm focussing on my recovery and what I need.



I got phase 1 at ward round, so I have two leaves which are accompanied so someone has to be with me. Usually I'm unaccompanied but the exercise urges are just so huge at the moment that I asked to be on it to stay safe. But the big thing is I'm off post meal- so no supervision after meals! I can stay in the lounge if I want but I can also go off to my room which has been a big help. I don't want to get too involved with all the politics that go in in the unit, I'm focussing on me and what I need. Also staying in touch with friends outside of here is a huge help!!

I'm going out today!! Which will be amazing. A friend from res is picking me up and taking me back there. So I'll be out from 12:30 til 3!! :) I'm ignoring my study until tomorrow when I'll start. But I have an amazing tutor who is also a student advocate so she she is willing to help me work through the paperwork for special consideration; I just need to get past my bloody pride!

Failure?

I feel... like a failure.

After all this time, all this treatment. Still I'm stuck.

Maybe I should do a post on my history? It's a long one. 20 years old and ED'd for at least 8, maybe 9 of those years.

We talked today in group about full recovery, and whether we think it's possible. Interestingly, half of us thought it was and half didn't. I'm firmly in the FULL recovery camp. I may be struggling intensely, but I am so far ahead of where I was before I got treatment 3 years ago- which admittedly was pretty shitty, and not specialised. And I have hope; something I didn't have 3 years ago. My life is still consumed a lot by ED; but not completely as it was.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to listen to the voice that says life isn't worth it anyway; life is worth it. Despite thoughts of not being good enough, of not being able to get anywhere; I can go places, I have gone places and if I keep fighting I will go places.

But the only way to do that is without ED- I REFUSE to compromise and merely "manage" my ED the rest of my life. It is only recovery for me, despite how hard it is.

I have some choices to make at the moment. They are a lot less than I had a month ago. It is basically public hospital (which I have never been to, but the one I am zoned in has a solid ED program- and maybe a fresh start would help?); the private one which I attend DP at (but which has gone downhill since I was inpatient at it and I hear so many stories of people getting away with shit and just not positive); or I fight- I get my calories up by myself, with the help of my treatment team.

Totally unsure. But still. Down to dinner I go!

Boost Juice Alert!!

So after talking about it yesterday I actually had a boost juice! Granted it was a kids size, but yum!! I was anxious before it and during it, thinking that I didn't need it and it wasn't my normal muesli bar blah blah. But I finished that damn thing and enjoyed it! I love berries at any time; I make my own smoothies when I'm at home so why are there different rules for Boost? Doesn't make sense!! I even got a free one since I must have had it quite a bit at the start of the year :)

Apart from that my day was uneventful. I just made myself have supper- last night I was craving Cheerios for some odd reason. Today I bought and they were yum; actually there's fear food number 2 down! It was easier knowing that I needed the calories since I did body balance and went on the eliptical today.

Tomorrow will be harder to justify eating so much since I'm out with friends and the gym closes early on a Sunday. But I'll do it because the more I do now the easier it will be later! I can't avoid eating although my ED would love me to :( But I damn well aren't going to let it win! I win. Full stop.