Not a failure... but a new beginning.

I know in my previous post I was quite down.

Wel I've decided that instead of being a failure, this admission is a new beginning. Wow. I didn't even mention last time that I had decided on another admission!! How quickly things change; a few weeks ago I was was adament that there would not be anymore admissions. I was doing this by myself.

But a life lived on 900 cals and spent burning all of it off again is no life at all. Coming in here has opened my eyes to how bloody tired I have gotten, and how far I had sunk. It's hard with all these really small anorexic girls but I'm focussing on my recovery and what I need.



I got phase 1 at ward round, so I have two leaves which are accompanied so someone has to be with me. Usually I'm unaccompanied but the exercise urges are just so huge at the moment that I asked to be on it to stay safe. But the big thing is I'm off post meal- so no supervision after meals! I can stay in the lounge if I want but I can also go off to my room which has been a big help. I don't want to get too involved with all the politics that go in in the unit, I'm focussing on me and what I need. Also staying in touch with friends outside of here is a huge help!!

I'm going out today!! Which will be amazing. A friend from res is picking me up and taking me back there. So I'll be out from 12:30 til 3!! :) I'm ignoring my study until tomorrow when I'll start. But I have an amazing tutor who is also a student advocate so she she is willing to help me work through the paperwork for special consideration; I just need to get past my bloody pride!

Failure?

I feel... like a failure.

After all this time, all this treatment. Still I'm stuck.

Maybe I should do a post on my history? It's a long one. 20 years old and ED'd for at least 8, maybe 9 of those years.

We talked today in group about full recovery, and whether we think it's possible. Interestingly, half of us thought it was and half didn't. I'm firmly in the FULL recovery camp. I may be struggling intensely, but I am so far ahead of where I was before I got treatment 3 years ago- which admittedly was pretty shitty, and not specialised. And I have hope; something I didn't have 3 years ago. My life is still consumed a lot by ED; but not completely as it was.

I refuse to give up. I refuse to listen to the voice that says life isn't worth it anyway; life is worth it. Despite thoughts of not being good enough, of not being able to get anywhere; I can go places, I have gone places and if I keep fighting I will go places.

But the only way to do that is without ED- I REFUSE to compromise and merely "manage" my ED the rest of my life. It is only recovery for me, despite how hard it is.

I have some choices to make at the moment. They are a lot less than I had a month ago. It is basically public hospital (which I have never been to, but the one I am zoned in has a solid ED program- and maybe a fresh start would help?); the private one which I attend DP at (but which has gone downhill since I was inpatient at it and I hear so many stories of people getting away with shit and just not positive); or I fight- I get my calories up by myself, with the help of my treatment team.

Totally unsure. But still. Down to dinner I go!

Boost Juice Alert!!

So after talking about it yesterday I actually had a boost juice! Granted it was a kids size, but yum!! I was anxious before it and during it, thinking that I didn't need it and it wasn't my normal muesli bar blah blah. But I finished that damn thing and enjoyed it! I love berries at any time; I make my own smoothies when I'm at home so why are there different rules for Boost? Doesn't make sense!! I even got a free one since I must have had it quite a bit at the start of the year :)

Apart from that my day was uneventful. I just made myself have supper- last night I was craving Cheerios for some odd reason. Today I bought and they were yum; actually there's fear food number 2 down! It was easier knowing that I needed the calories since I did body balance and went on the eliptical today.

Tomorrow will be harder to justify eating so much since I'm out with friends and the gym closes early on a Sunday. But I'll do it because the more I do now the easier it will be later! I can't avoid eating although my ED would love me to :( But I damn well aren't going to let it win! I win. Full stop.

Back again :)
Two posts in two days! It's a record!
It's such a crappy day today; it's rained ever since I woke up. But the upside is it's the perfect day for a nap... a two hour nap! Oops... meant to wake up at 3 to catch up on uni work since I've missed the last two weeks. But guess my body had other thoughts... so we'll put it up to me listening to my body!! Hehe. I still am feeling slightly unwell, so it's fair enough. And I have 3 weeks after uni finishes to study, while also working for my Dad so I figure I have time at the moment to just chill if I need. And blog... double oops!!

Regarding my post yesterday, I made it to where my interum goal. I'm sorry about calories, I'd rather not have to talk about them but it's so about calories at the moment that it's hard. I've never done supplements; it's such a big fear for some reason? I've mostly overcome my fear of liquid calories; or I had. Back earlier in the year I was getting the last size Boost Juices, and not caring if they were the low cal ones or now; in fact I believe my favourite was Mango Magic with passionfruit. Yuum!!
I'd love to get back to that place; which is why I've been pushing so hard to be allowed to stay in Day Program; while it's repetitive and like the inpatient program the days that I do really push me. Monday we go out for coffee (no skinnies allowed here ;)!) and they've actually been mixing it up instead of going to a Bakery which only sells bread and bread related products (which they started going to when I briefly did it at the start of 2009). And Wednesdays we go out for coffee and cake. I hate it at times, but I see the value in it. The challenge is how to keep it up once I leave the program at the end of the month.

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed my ramblings ;) I'd better get some study done before dinner- lets see what the cook has managed to concoct tonight... probably something doused in oil that even the "normal" (god I HATE that word ) non-ED people find hard to eat and usually duck off to KFC or McD's afterwards!!

So what a long freaking day.
I had three appts: Psychologist then psychiatrist an hour and a half later outreach (basically meal support and practical support).

Psychologist was ok; I'm changing back to the one in my home town over the Summer. I detected a little bit of resentment, but I know she's supposed to be proffessional about it? I pay her enough! But she wouldn't even guarantee that she'll have a spot to see me next year. So whatever.

Right now my biggest hurdle is that my psychiatrist isn't happy with how I'm going. I'm not underweight by any means but he was threatening the public hospital, which has a reputation of being really tough; but also has a great ED program. Downside- he thinks that I'm close to needing tube feeding. I don't understand; I'm eating (admittedly 900cal some days but still more than a lot of people with ED's) so it's not like I can't eat if I'm supported in a program. I've been in the private clinic quite a few times and each time in there have just done what I've needed to, each time I've gotten more confident with my eating too.

What I want to do most of all is do this myself out of hospital. I've been texting friends since I saw him, asking for their advice. I mean I know how to do a 1500 cal mealplan but it seems like such a lot. :( I've been looking at supplements; god they're expensive and something that I've actually managed to avoid in my 3 and a bit years of ED treatment. I've always chosen food over supplements, but now I'm struggling so badly I'm giving in. But giving in in a good way?

Thank god I had outreach after; that woman is amazing. She's tough but compassionate and used to be a nurse on the ED unit so has known me since I first started at the clinic. She gave me some good challenges and made me think a lot.

Ok so I'm off to the gym; I might come back and post later. Hopefully people will start reading soon!!

still sick... but loving the weather at the beach!

So I'm still sick :( Starting to feel a bit better though, I slept for two hours this afternoon!! I'm at the beach and I'm sleeping all the time :( But we went for a walk into town and were out for two hours this morning.

Ok so this is absolutely amazing,I went shopping for bathers (or swimmers for UK readers!! That's if I have any). I bought a tankini AND I bought a bikini. Now the bikini I won't be able to wear until I lose quite a bit more weight. Also I relapsed with self harm over the last 3-4 months, I have done it in just over a week which is amazing. I'm very proud of myself.
I have some really bad scars on my stomach though which I've been using cream to try to fade a little, if they do then they'll look like bad stretch marks which i I can deal with. My big win of the day- I admitted to my Mum I relapsed with self harm!! Usually I tell her nothing.

I've been really struggling with eating while I've been here. The last two days I've limited it to 1500, today a little less. But I'm terrified that I'm going to gain. My MP calls for 1200.
But. Ok so my psych wants me to be eating 1800-2000cal a day. But because I haven't been to the gym I've been struggling with even eating 1200. Since I'm on holidays with my family they have all this triggering food lying around, so I've binged/purged, although it wasn't an honest binge like I used to. I'm just eating more food, and not as nutritiously as I usually do.

I do want my blog to be positive, but it also has to be honest. So while I will try not to use numbers, I can't promise I won't. And since no one is reading at this point it's quite alright! I do want to keep it private from my friends and particularly my family- but I can see myself liking this whole blog thing since I love writing ;)

Hm since I doubt anyway's reading this, I guess I'll just spill my guts. Reading blogs has really inspired me; but I've also seen what I don't what to do. Although I'm in a really rocky place with my ED right now, I'm trying to be positive.

Today was really off. I ate very little and then got picked up by my parent's to go to the beach. Of course they had a lot of fear foods sitting in their car for my brother and sister, and since my former bulimic tendencies tend to come into play in these situations, I ate my fair share. I felt so sick when I got back to our accomodation, I was actually sick. Not eating during the day then eating sugary foods isn't a good combination! I had a nutritious dinner and then still flipping ate more! So over 2000 cals today!

But our accomodation here is absolutely amazing; I got my own room with a double bed becaus i've been so sick :) So there's one positive- downside is we still don't know what's going on!

Anyway, I will definitely be back, with pictures of our place and more stories :)

So I suppose this may as well be my first post; it's been a long time since I last posted and so much has happened.
The purpose of this blog is to document my progress that will be occurring over the next however long it takes.
I've grown in so many ways this year; but still it comes down to the fact the monster ED rules my life.
I have one week. One week in which to figure out what I want. I had ward round today at the Day Program I attend and basically they laid down the law: I need to want recovery and being taking active steps towards it. So often I feel that I am, yet then I do something to sabotage it.

I've started with a new dietitian, who I think will help a lot. She's given me a very specific mealplan which I've been finding more helpful than the vague "you know how to eat, you've had so many inpatient stays now". I may have had many inpatient stays but I don't know how to eat in real life.
I don't know how to exercise in moderation. That is a long story in itself. Maybe I will go into it one day?
But right now I feel stuck and according to my psychologist I am also in denial.

But the positives are that I completed last semester of uni with fairly good results (ok pretty good results but the perfectionist in me says I should be doing better) and this semester I'm on track to do the same, although I did go part time because full time day program and uni made me a little crazy! I only have one month left and then uni will be over for the year apart from my two exams! I'm working for my Dad in November, making as much I would working at my old work over the whole summer :) I'm also going back to my old psychologist in my home town over the summer which I am very excited about; she is amazing and saved my life back when I was so sick.

Anyway enough of that; I hope someone reads this, I've read so many helpful blogs and would love to use this blog as a helpful outlet for everything.